Why blog? It kills less trees and my hand doesn't cramp up.
Ok, here's the deal. I need a place to put my thoughts down. Paper is too complicated; I cannot write fast enough to keep up with the churning thoughts in my brain...and I can't go back and add stuff because the ink doesn't move like the words do when I type (I just added this...perfect example). But, I NEED to journal...in whatever way I can. So, here's this email one day from a friend of mine (thanks for thinking of me, Sarah). I'm thinking, what is this blog it speaks of? So, naturally I check it out. But at the time I was not brave enough to put my thoughts in a place where others can see them. (I have to conquer the childhood notion that nobody could possibly have gotten into that securely-fastened-yet-somehow-able-to-be-magically-opened-without-the-key-but-surely-only-by-me diary. Shut up, everyone read it. Everyone knows who you had a crush on. Everyone knows you wanted to be...a chef, then a weather lady, then an artist. It's true!) After much reflection I've decided it's not only o.k., but has the potential to be very beneficial. One of the only ways I can truly see that I'm o.k. with my thoughts and work through them is to put them out there for others to see...and possibly provide feedback. A fresh set of eyes looking at an issue provides a new perspective for me to consider. But, I'm going to need time to train myself not to censor my thoughts just because others might read them. I need to not care about being judged...but I do.
The fact is, there is too much going on in my life right now. To top it all off, there are horrible things going on in the world and I am powerless. Much of this feeling started on September 11, 2001. It reached a breaking point after I made the regrettable decision to view the Nick Berg beheading video. I thought I could handle it because I saw some of the Faces of Death videos when I was a kid and didn't remember being deeply scarred by them. I've also seen most of the HBO series, Autopsy. Death is one of those things I've always had a curiosity about. At the same time, I have irrational fears about what happens while I'm still alive and others around me are dying. It's a horror movie playing in my head...fucking with me constantly. So, when I found a website with the Nick Berg video, it was an adrenaline rush...a shameful, nobody-should-know-about-this-but-I-still-have-to-see-for-myself rush. When it started playing, the rush turned to nausea as he began to identify himself and talk about his family. I knew I couldn't do it. It was too fucked up. So, I made a compromise. I minimized the picture and just listened to the audio. Bad idea. If you have not seen or heard this, you cannot possibly imagine the horror that saturated my soul as I listened to this man's death. That night I didn't sleep at all. I couldn't even bring myself to turn off the light in my room. What does this mean for me? If I could explain to myself why I have this impulse to see (or hear) death and then an overwhelming sense of fear afterward, I would probably know...shit, what would I know? I know I'm not morbid. I know millions of people have seen this video, and probably some of the other stuff I've seen, but don't have the complications that I had afterward. Or are they just not talking about it?
(Enter therapy). I believe in therapy. I believe everyone needs therapy. I've seen therapy work wonders for my dad in dealing with his social anxiety. The combination of my experiences and education kept me from attaching a negative stigma to therapy. It's like getting help with your Algebra homework. You ask someone to explain it to you in a different way when you can't understand the problem. I should've started therapy last year when Aunt Kathy died, 7 years ago when Burgess Merrifield died, 10 years ago when my Grandpa died, 12 years ago when I watched Faces of Death, 18 years ago when Granny Jess died and someone mentioned her coming back to haunt the family and I was in the hotel room waiting for her to come through the walls. And whose idea was it to show that litte girl a picture of the dead baby she was named after? Still, it took Nick Berg to make me ready for therapy...
So, in the words of so many characters in movies and on television who are portrayed as co-dependent, hopeless, incapable, fragile therapy-seekers (which pisses me off to no end)..."My therapist said I should"...explore this as a spiritual issue. I've been to two sessions and that is where we are headed so far. She sees my fear as being associated with evil, rather than just death itself. I can see that...especially with the all-hours horror flick theater in my head. Alina suggested the same thing when I talked to her about it...not directly, but she told me that she prays whenever she is afraid. I know my faith needs to be strengthened. The problem is, I don't have any questions about what is happening to me when I die. But, someone please show me the passage in the Bible that says I'm safe from a horrifying death by some unimagineable force just because I'm a Christian. I don't have any answers yet, but I'll only worry if I ever run out of questions.
"Men fear death, as children fear to go in the dark; and as that natural fear in children is increased with tales, so is the other." -Francis Bacon, 1625
The fact is, there is too much going on in my life right now. To top it all off, there are horrible things going on in the world and I am powerless. Much of this feeling started on September 11, 2001. It reached a breaking point after I made the regrettable decision to view the Nick Berg beheading video. I thought I could handle it because I saw some of the Faces of Death videos when I was a kid and didn't remember being deeply scarred by them. I've also seen most of the HBO series, Autopsy. Death is one of those things I've always had a curiosity about. At the same time, I have irrational fears about what happens while I'm still alive and others around me are dying. It's a horror movie playing in my head...fucking with me constantly. So, when I found a website with the Nick Berg video, it was an adrenaline rush...a shameful, nobody-should-know-about-this-but-I-still-have-to-see-for-myself rush. When it started playing, the rush turned to nausea as he began to identify himself and talk about his family. I knew I couldn't do it. It was too fucked up. So, I made a compromise. I minimized the picture and just listened to the audio. Bad idea. If you have not seen or heard this, you cannot possibly imagine the horror that saturated my soul as I listened to this man's death. That night I didn't sleep at all. I couldn't even bring myself to turn off the light in my room. What does this mean for me? If I could explain to myself why I have this impulse to see (or hear) death and then an overwhelming sense of fear afterward, I would probably know...shit, what would I know? I know I'm not morbid. I know millions of people have seen this video, and probably some of the other stuff I've seen, but don't have the complications that I had afterward. Or are they just not talking about it?
(Enter therapy). I believe in therapy. I believe everyone needs therapy. I've seen therapy work wonders for my dad in dealing with his social anxiety. The combination of my experiences and education kept me from attaching a negative stigma to therapy. It's like getting help with your Algebra homework. You ask someone to explain it to you in a different way when you can't understand the problem. I should've started therapy last year when Aunt Kathy died, 7 years ago when Burgess Merrifield died, 10 years ago when my Grandpa died, 12 years ago when I watched Faces of Death, 18 years ago when Granny Jess died and someone mentioned her coming back to haunt the family and I was in the hotel room waiting for her to come through the walls. And whose idea was it to show that litte girl a picture of the dead baby she was named after? Still, it took Nick Berg to make me ready for therapy...
So, in the words of so many characters in movies and on television who are portrayed as co-dependent, hopeless, incapable, fragile therapy-seekers (which pisses me off to no end)..."My therapist said I should"...explore this as a spiritual issue. I've been to two sessions and that is where we are headed so far. She sees my fear as being associated with evil, rather than just death itself. I can see that...especially with the all-hours horror flick theater in my head. Alina suggested the same thing when I talked to her about it...not directly, but she told me that she prays whenever she is afraid. I know my faith needs to be strengthened. The problem is, I don't have any questions about what is happening to me when I die. But, someone please show me the passage in the Bible that says I'm safe from a horrifying death by some unimagineable force just because I'm a Christian. I don't have any answers yet, but I'll only worry if I ever run out of questions.
"Men fear death, as children fear to go in the dark; and as that natural fear in children is increased with tales, so is the other." -Francis Bacon, 1625
posted by Afton @ 1:09 PM
1 Comments:
At 6/27/2004 2:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
To fear death is natural...the fear is not what causes problems..it is the dwelling on it...regardless of religious belief..when you die you won't know it...or for that matter be able to control it. Instead of fearing death, face it...It is one of the only things in life that is inevitable truth..Some day, hopefully later than sooner, like all sentient beings, you will cease to be physically alive...period! Once you face this it is somewhat easier to put your mind at ease. Only concern yourself in that which you have a hand in or control over. You can't predict or control when or how you will die..so don't concern yourself with it. Instead, make each day count, seek happiness, and try to love! On the flipside..a wise man once said.."my lifestyle determines my death-style!" Easier said than done, I understand...
http://www.theartofhappiness.com/
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