Time flies...

I started this process wanting a journal for myself. I knew I needed a place to put my thoughts. My choice to share it was one that took time to convince myself I was doing it for the right reasons. The funny thing is that this journal has become something that others rely on to stay connected with me. I have no problem with this. I step back and look at it to find that it kept the same purpose for me, but is having a much wider effect on others than I expected. I have to laugh each time I get an email from someone asking me to add a new entry because they want to know what is going on in my life and they simply can't obtain that information by reading the same posts again and again. This has happened more than a few times over the two months since I last wrote. I cannot believe it has been that long. Much has happened, which is probably the reason I haven't been able to keep up. Does time really fly when you are having fun? Or is it just that we are getting older and there are not enough hours in the day to get everything accomplished? I'm gonna have to go with choice number two. It's frightening to think that life keeps me so busy that I cannot find the time or energy to tend to something that is so important for my sanity and well-being. So, right now when I should be getting ready for bed, I've chosen to take some time and reflect on what has been going on the past two months.
First, and possibly most importantly, I finished therapy...TWICE. This experience helped me realize how much the state needs to work on resource availability...not just for clients, but for employees. I'm not saying that's all I got out of therapy...it was just a glaring revelation throughout the process. One of my coworkers (who is also a friend) entered therapy the same week I did. She came to me after her second session and told me her next session would be her last. This caused a lot of confusion because we were seeing the same person. I wondered if the therapist just didn't want to deal with her because she has some issues that might be unfamiliar to the therapist. I felt bad for her because I had no indication that I'd be cut off so soon and thought she was possibly being treated unfairly. I expected at least five sessions. When I went in for my third session, I had nothing on my mind except the issues we were dealing with that day. The session was a really good one but seemed to end quickly because I got so much accomplished. Time flies until you hit a brick wall. As my therapist was getting ready to walk me out, she said, "Well, this was your last session. How do you feel?" I just sat there and looked at her with what I can only imagine was a dumbfounded stare. I told her I thought there would be at least five sessions. She apologized and told me that the state now only approves three sessions for its employees and she thought I was aware of that before I started. You've got to be kidding me, I thought to myself. Could anyone in their right mind expect a person to accomplish anything in just three sessions? What ever happened to closure? Every day we are approving our clients for thousands of dollars worth of therapy. Some never attend. Some attend only a few times. The rest attend every session without putting any effort into it and, in return, get nothing out of it. How can we be expected to help these people when we have issues of our own to deal with and we can only get three sessions of therapy? I made up my mind to call my provider and fight this. After telling my life story to this person who couldn't have cared less, I was able to get approved for three more sessions. However, the representative I spoke with acted like this was a huge burden and some miraculous exception that was being made for me. I wonder if she understood that I was the one making an exception by taking on the burden of squeezing everything I wanted to work on into only three more sessions. I'm sure making a realization like that isn't part of her job description...kinda like giving up and settling for the bare minimum isn't part of my personality description. I attended my final three sessions and was able to get everything I needed. I came out of therapy feeling like a stronger version of myself. I think my most incredible accomplishment is realizing that I'm a wonderful person who deserves nothing but the best, because that is what I give of myself to others. I've put myself in too many situations over the past few years that I didn't deserve just because I thought I was "too nice" to ask for a change. I've learned to ask myself the question: How nice is too nice? I've learned to think of my own needs before always jumping in to make sure others are taken care of. That doesn't mean I'll stop caring for others. It just means I'll be strong enough to do so because my needs will already be met. Yes, I'm wonderful. Yes, I can say it. No, it's not arrogance...it is confidence and a positive self-image. I got a hundred other things out of therapy, but I think that is such an important one to recognize.
Having said that, I must now get myself to bed. I'm tired, I don't feel good, and I need to get some sleep. My other adventures are best left for another day when I have the energy to tell them. I hope time doesn't fly so quickly between now and then.
"Time moves slowly, but passes quickly." Alice Walker, 1982