Disinvited

I had a good cry this morning. Today is just a bad day for me...emotionally. First of all, Mary's funeral is tomorrow and the idea of death is weighing heavy on my mind. Not so much the idea of my own death, but the idea of death and loss in general and how suddenly they can come upon people. At the same time that I am mourning this loss, I was looking forward to the wonderful blessing of a new birth. It's so ironic that these events happened so close to one another. It's almost like the familiar adage that with every death comes new life. Being somehow included in this birth was something that I was looking forward to. Because of these recent events, it transformed into something I needed at a time like this. I don't mean "included" like in the delivery room or waiting in a hospital lobby, I simply mean being informed about the situation as important things happen. That was something that was offered to me long ago. But, for some reason, the decision was made to leave me out completely. That hurts more than anything I've experienced in a long time. I understand that with something as impending as the birth of a child, some decisions must be made in haste and not everyone can possibly be made aware of the situation. However, there is always that select group of people who get "the call" when things are set in motion. I was told that I was in that group...but I never got the call. I asked myself if that was really something to get upset about. After much contemplation, the answer is a solid yes. For me, the level of communication is a sign of how friendship is measured between two people. Why shouldn't I feel hurt that several other people that I thought or I was told are less important than me (in regards to being notified)knew about this before I did? There's just something wrong with being one of the last to know when you were told you would be one of the first. I didn't know what was happening until it was all over...and that is only because I called the house and a family member answered the phone and told me. It was some time later that I actually received a phone call, but I suspect that it was only because this family member called to let the parents know that I was trying to reach them. I'm just really confused and really hurt right now. On a normal day, this still would have affected me...but this is not a normal day, so I am taking it 10 times harder. The struggle right now is that this is not the time for confrontation about this issue. I may be hurt, but this is no time to express that. I'm far too considerate of the beauty of this situation for the parents. There is no way I would ruin that. But, at the same time, that means I have to keep my distance. I just have too much going on emotionally right now and I cannot put myself in the middle of this situation...so, in my very Afton way, I will do my best to avoid it. However, there will be a time in the not-too-distant future that it must be discussed and resolved. There could be a million excuses as to why I wasn't called, but not one of them is good enough. I'm beginning to think that I put too much faith in people to not let me down. I've always had trust issues. We all know I am a control freak. But, for some reason when friends tell me they are going to do something I believe them completely and whole-heartedly. That is the primary issue here. I was told one thing would happen and then the complete opposite happened. It's not as though I just assumed that I deserved to be included in this event. I was told from the beginning that I was a big part of it and would be one of the people called when they were on the way to the hospital. If that plan changed somewhere along the way, I would be able to handle that...if I was notified of the change. But, there is just a completely different sting to the situation when no effort is put into communicating. I don't know what else I can say at this point. I'm just tired of being disappointed over and over again.