Fighting Fair
I haven't felt the need to write in a while...but tonight my mind is spinning. In the past, I've talked about the importance of the foundations in each person's life. You gain foundations for just about every facet of your character from your parents (or whatever "parental" figure raised you) and the environment in which you were raised. There are several other factors that influence your foundations, but the two primary influences are parent role-modeling and the home/family environment. One of the foundations that is often overlooked is the foundation for approaching confrontation. I've always been one to avoid confrontation, whether it was direct or indirect. It remains a source of great anxiety and discomfort. I've always been one who would rather write my feelings (positive or negative) down in a letter for someone to read when I am not around...or simply let an issue go without addressing it. Either of these options is far less traumatic than trying to speak my mind with the risk of being interrupted or, possibly, having to hear a rebuttal and not being able to respond with the correct response in a timely manner. It wasn't until this evening that I more clearly understood the underpinnings of my issues with confrontation. Without going into a full explanation of what transpired, I will simply mention the following questions that have since been raised in my mind and also some of the inner-dialogue that ensued:
Where do you learn to fight fair if you've only witnessed fighting dirty the majority of your life?
How does a simple argument turn into an insult-ridden, all-out assault on each other's emotions?
Why is it that when some people feel defenseless in an argument they turn to whatever irrelevant low-blow tactics they can grasp onto in order to remain a formidable opponent?
If the dysfunction that exists in your primary relationships is so rampant that it cannot be overturned, how do you practice appropriate methods of confrontation?
The basis of my fear and avoidance of confrontation stems from witnessing soul-crushing insults and exaggerated displays of the "silent treatment" from one parent to another (and in limited frequency, though for extended periods, between my parents and extended family members). Fights are rarely fair here. They seem to start with a small issue that gets stewed upon and smolders until a complete explosion of emotions is unavoidable. At that point, the boundaries are skewed and the emotions are indistinguishable from one another. They simply meld into one festering sore that can do nothing but ooze its dysfunction onto all those in its path. There is rarely healthy bickering...only the extremes: the cold shoulder or a verbal assault. My parents believe that they did us a favor by keeping most of their arguing behind closed doors in our childhood. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I understand that arguments can, at times, get out of hand and this is something that no child should witness. However, when all a child sees is the beginning of an argument (point A), followed by a closed door, the sounds of raised voices and crying, followed by parents emerging from behind the closed door, then embracing and saying they are fine (point B)...how the hell does that child learn what is takes to successfully get from point A to point B (and even how to prevent arriving at point A again)? I think it is crucial for children to witness healthy disagreements between their parents/loved ones. As stated, parent role-modeling is one of the vital pieces of learning appropriate methods of confrontation. However, when my parents did argue around us (or with us) the results were often painful (emotionally speaking) rather than educational. Do not misunderstand me; arguments were not commonplace in my home growing up. Unfortunately, when they did occur there was rarely a sense of complete resolution. How could there be when you were either just ripped to your core with insults or completely emotionally neglected for the sake of pointing out that you did or said something wrong? Do you ever have the sense that even after an argument you have to continue walking on eggshells regarding the topic? That's the way it typically feels. Of course there is going to be some lingering tension and emotional residue in the short-term. But, what about the long-term effects?
I know that no parents are perfect and I'm not saying that mine were horrible. But, I think it's important to realize that, as parents, you influence every aspect of the person your child is going to become. You cannot change the role-modeling you witnessed as a child, but you can make a decision to provide something better for your children. My parents tried to do that...Lord knows the situation for my sister and I was far better than my parents' respective situations in childhood...but it still is not good enough for my children. These are lessons I am trying to learn before having children of my own. I do not want to perpetuate the emotional and psychological distress of not knowing how to appropriately handle confrontation. The question remains...if I am not able to improve upon my own confrontation skills, how will I do any better educating my children?
Where do you learn to fight fair if you've only witnessed fighting dirty the majority of your life?
How does a simple argument turn into an insult-ridden, all-out assault on each other's emotions?
Why is it that when some people feel defenseless in an argument they turn to whatever irrelevant low-blow tactics they can grasp onto in order to remain a formidable opponent?
If the dysfunction that exists in your primary relationships is so rampant that it cannot be overturned, how do you practice appropriate methods of confrontation?
The basis of my fear and avoidance of confrontation stems from witnessing soul-crushing insults and exaggerated displays of the "silent treatment" from one parent to another (and in limited frequency, though for extended periods, between my parents and extended family members). Fights are rarely fair here. They seem to start with a small issue that gets stewed upon and smolders until a complete explosion of emotions is unavoidable. At that point, the boundaries are skewed and the emotions are indistinguishable from one another. They simply meld into one festering sore that can do nothing but ooze its dysfunction onto all those in its path. There is rarely healthy bickering...only the extremes: the cold shoulder or a verbal assault. My parents believe that they did us a favor by keeping most of their arguing behind closed doors in our childhood. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I understand that arguments can, at times, get out of hand and this is something that no child should witness. However, when all a child sees is the beginning of an argument (point A), followed by a closed door, the sounds of raised voices and crying, followed by parents emerging from behind the closed door, then embracing and saying they are fine (point B)...how the hell does that child learn what is takes to successfully get from point A to point B (and even how to prevent arriving at point A again)? I think it is crucial for children to witness healthy disagreements between their parents/loved ones. As stated, parent role-modeling is one of the vital pieces of learning appropriate methods of confrontation. However, when my parents did argue around us (or with us) the results were often painful (emotionally speaking) rather than educational. Do not misunderstand me; arguments were not commonplace in my home growing up. Unfortunately, when they did occur there was rarely a sense of complete resolution. How could there be when you were either just ripped to your core with insults or completely emotionally neglected for the sake of pointing out that you did or said something wrong? Do you ever have the sense that even after an argument you have to continue walking on eggshells regarding the topic? That's the way it typically feels. Of course there is going to be some lingering tension and emotional residue in the short-term. But, what about the long-term effects?
I know that no parents are perfect and I'm not saying that mine were horrible. But, I think it's important to realize that, as parents, you influence every aspect of the person your child is going to become. You cannot change the role-modeling you witnessed as a child, but you can make a decision to provide something better for your children. My parents tried to do that...Lord knows the situation for my sister and I was far better than my parents' respective situations in childhood...but it still is not good enough for my children. These are lessons I am trying to learn before having children of my own. I do not want to perpetuate the emotional and psychological distress of not knowing how to appropriately handle confrontation. The question remains...if I am not able to improve upon my own confrontation skills, how will I do any better educating my children?
posted by Afton @ 8:46 PM
2 Comments:
At 9/19/2007 9:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
Wow...great entry. I know I always say this but you are a great writer. I don't think if your parents read this they'd necessarily be really mad at you. You didn't say anything untrue and you presented it as a topic for discussion, not a vent session. I completely agree with your opinion that maturely handled disagreements should not be hidden from children...She says as she makes a mental note to add it to the list of "Afton's Parenting Tips" to remember! :) I can really see you writing a book one day on your life discoveries, theories, etc. I'd definitely benefit from it and I'm sure so would a lot of other people...you should really consider it.
At 2/09/2008 7:41 AM,
Anonymous said…
Afton, I really liked this one. You are perpetually observant and appear to be keenly aware of your emotional surroundings regardless of whether they're from the past or the present. You also know where you are skilled and where you are not - and often why. I think you should consider yourself "normal" when it comes to the confrontation of conflict thing. It's one of those things we all encounter and typically handle awkwardly, at best. It reminds me a lot of the concept of forgiveness. I've met about three people in my entire life who really get it - and can really do it. All the rest of them are lying to themselves, and to those with whom they go through the forgiveness fantasy. It feels good for the moment, but real life sets back in momentarily and the act of forgiveness is alarmingly empty - because it is. Tackling real life issues such as confrontation and forgiveness is not natural. At least dealing with them in a productive manner does not come naturally to animals. Since that's what we are, it's foolish to think we have a corner on the market when it comes to blindly stumbling through awkard, albeit inevitable life moments that involve conflict, the confrontation that follows, and things like that. You won't ever see dolphins forgiving sharks for eating their playmates. My dogs are sharp as a tack intellectually. But they have never learned to work through conflict with a healthy outcome in mind. They want what pleases them, or what fills their stomach. They seek it out. They hurt those they love to get it. The wellbeing of the other dog is not at their center of attention. Winning what they desire is. Sound familiar? Dogs probably will never understand the need for healthy conflict resolution because they didn't sign up for the workshop that day - "Winning Confrontation." You know, the one taught by the idiot who probably went on a bender that night and slapped his wife and kids. Healthy confrontation has to be intentionally learned and practiced and honed like any other skill, or it must be taught vicariously by people who spend years living it out in front of us (aka parents). Other than through the osmosis version with parents, IT HAS TO BE ON PURPOSE!! PERIOD!! And learning those things on purpose requires the courage to step out and do something unnatural. No wonder people won't learn to confront things in a healthy manner with a positive outlook in mind. It requires stepping out of their comfort zones, and most people, frankly, are just too lazy, ignorant, or afraid. They have to have a strong distaste for their personal cesspool before they decide a) they CAN do something about it, or b) they MUST do something about it. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. :)
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