Birthday Schmirthday

The countdown to my birthday has begun. Once Dad's birthday and Daidra's birthday have passed, I know that mine is just a matter of days away. This year I dread it. As the day draws closer, I feel myself withdrawing more and more. I know that some of this is related to what happened last year. It can easily be called the worst birthday I can remember. I thought I was over it, but now I feel like I've gone into self-defense mode and I'm preparing to spend the day by myself just to prevent anything from going wrong again. This is the extreme opposite of what birthdays are supposed to feel like. It's fairly unfamiliar territory for me. I've never had a problem celebrating my birthday. I don't like or want a big fuss, but in previous years I've enjoyed dinner and going to a bar with my friends or just hanging out somewhere. I'm sure if recent circumstances were different, I might not be feeling quite this dramatic about my birthday. Unfortunately, I was already in the process of withdrawing. That made it much easier for me to react negatively to the memories from last year's birthday and transfer them into a defense mechanism. Suddenly I feel old in my mid-20s. These are supposed to be the greatest years of my life...somewhere between youth and full-fledged adulthood. I don't feel that way right now. I feel exhausted. I feel run-down. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I just need some time to re-energize and regroup.