Out of Control

I'm a control freak. I'm not scared...I'll admit it. When it comes to my life, I want to have the reins on every aspect. Right now, I'm desperate for the reins. Where are the fucking reins? It's like I'm on a stage coach that's running at full speed and my salvation lies in straps of leather that are flopping down by the horses' hooves. I have no control and I have no idea how to reach for and grab the reins without putting myself in harm's way. That may be one of the most hyperbolic descriptions I've ever written, but that's really how I feel at the moment. Something is out of whack lately. I can't put my finger on just one thing that triggered this sense of chaos. It's almost like all the walls started coming in at once. I'm in if-it's-not-one-thing-it's-another mode. I'm constantly worried about Jesse, so I try to spend tons of time with her. When I do that, naturally I neglect other areas of my life. I try to switch my focus to friends. Sometimes my friends are busy or unavailable. Sometimes there is the overwhelming realization that an awesome friend now lives several states away and we can't just hang out like we used to. Then I get a random phone call that reminds me that I also have family far away that I love and miss. So I start to think about when I can take another vacation, which turns my attention to financial issues. At 24 years old, you would think financial issues should not be too daunting. Unfortunately, I was a typical college student and acquired a substantial chunk of debt from some reckless spending and those despised, yet necessary, student loans. My debt certainly is not out of control. It does not hinder my everyday spending. However, I am a planner and constantly try to come up with new ideas for how to pay off my debt sooner. When I think about student loans, I think about going back to school for my Masters in Social Work. I won't settle for anything less than my MSW. The question is, when will I be able to go? That leads to an entirely different set of questions about the future. I don't even want to get into those. I just want my brain to slow down and give me a break. I'm feeling overwhelmed and tired. Those feelings cause me to question everything and everyone around me. If you could look inside my head, that process would not be a fun one to watch. I over-analyze. That is well-known among my loved ones. When I do that, I withdraw. That's where I am right now...in my head trying to decide what is important in my life and what hinders me. All I need is a little time to figure that out.
"In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth." - Mahatma Gandhi