It's Complimentary

I've said it before...If I learned one thing in therapy, it was my self worth and the direct impact it has on what an amazing friend I am to the people in my life. It's easy for me to say that, and it's easy for me to recognize the difference in my actions now when I am interacting with friends and loved ones. Why, then, is it still so difficult for me to take a compliment? It can be something as simple as someone recognizing how caring I am. You could be calling me sweet, or thanking me for a random card I sent or a random message I left. If a comment like that is made, in my head I am in complete agreement with the person saying it. But for some reason, that is not expressed in the words that come out of my mouth. It's too hard to just say "Thank you" and move on with the conversation. Do I still think it sounds like I have a huge ego if I don't try to argue that the things I do are no more than the ordinary? If I'm being completely honest, yes, there is still a part of me that characterizes that type of acknowledgement as conceited in some way. But maybe it's not conceit at all. What if my competitive nature transfers into my friendships and drives me to do more and more so that I am not just the average friend. Maybe I refuse to allow myself to be recognized for the actions that I believe should go without asking in friendship. Maybe I expect so much of myself as a friend that I won't let myself be recognized for anything that cannot be labeled as stellar. I think it boils down to one basic belief...I believe that every person in this world deserves a friend like me and I find it incredibly disheartening when the people I love are taken aback by the random acts of kindness that come so naturally to me. The problem with my thought process is simple...it puts the people I care about in a position where they feel that they constantly have to convince me that I am worthy of their praise. For someone who likes to make life easier for those around me, that sure adds a lot of unnecessary work for my loved ones. I've been told in the past that my incredible efforts as a friend put pressure on those around me to return that effort, even if it is not feasible or possible for them to do so. I certainly acknowledge that I may inadvertently add pressure to the situation. However, I've always attempted to make it known that I do not expect the same amount of effort in return. I am so blessed to see my friends smile and feel so rewarded in knowing I had a part in putting that smile on their faces. That is all I need in return for my effort. However, that may raise another question. If my basic belief is that everyone deserves a friend like me, why don't I expect to have a friend like me? I think the answer to that is simple, but one might disagree with me. I believe if I had a friend like me, insanity would reign supreme over us trying to top one another in random acts of kindness. I'm being completely serious here. I have friends who are extremely thoughtful and generous, but if I had a friend just like me there would be an all-out war of wills. The other day, Dawn pointed out my competitive nature. In writing this entry, I'm beginning to understand the depths of my competitive self. I mean, seriously, am I really an amazing friend or am I just so competitive that I will not let anyone beat me at this game we call Friendship? Whatever the answer is, I don't think that it lessens my effectiveness as a friend. I can't possibly believe that a competitive nature rules my every waking moment and has control over my ability to be a friend. What if it does? Recognizing that won't change anything. I will continue to be a great friend to the people I care about. It doesn't change my sincerity or the amount of love I truly have for all of these people. I guess, if anything, it pushes me to express that love more often and, in turn, helps others do the same. That just means there's a whole lot of loving going around. I have no qualms about that!
"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you." Elbert Hubbard

Happy New Year

It seems that the end of 2004 presented me with many personal challenges, along with some very important blessings. I was in my first wedding (as Maid of Honor, no less), I moved in with my sister, shortly after that I found out I was going to be an aunt, and then I had back surgery to remove a tumor from my spinal cord. I think my health issues were the most challenging part of my year. In mid-July I started having severe hip pain for no apparent reason. I believed that, at 24, I would be one of the youngest patients ever to need a hip replacement. I could think of no other cause for my pain. I went to the doctor on my birthday. The pain seemed to be a mystery to her too, so we treated it as a strain and she sent me home with an anti-inflammatory medication. After several more weeks of continued, and intensifying, pain I returned to the doctor. My symptoms were overlapping between what she thought could be Bursitis or a bulging disc. She sent me for X-rays on my hip and lower back to determine the cause. The X-rays came back completely normal. She decided to send me for an MRI on my hip and referred me to a joint specialist. However, while waiting for those appointments I had two very severe episodes (the first of many) and ended up going to the ER on 9/15/04 in an act of desperation. These episodes can most nearly be described as muscle spasms in my hip. They would last for 2-6 hours at a time and there was nothing I could do to ease the pain. I could not sit down, but had to pace back and forth until the pain subsided. I was told that the way to stop a muscle spasm was to "jolt" the muscle by punching it. I'm sure the sight was nothing short of frightening for someone to witness me pacing back and forth, leaned back slightly in my posture, a grimace on my face, tears in my eyes, and my clenched fist pawing at my hip. Needless to say, the doctor at the ER had no answers for me. He gave me a shot of Demerol and sent me home to sleep the rest of the day. That morning before the ER visit was the last time I would sleep in my bed for almost two months. The MRI on my hip came and went. As you can guess, the results were completely normal as well. I cancelled the appointment with the joint specialist, because that would be a complete waste of my time and his with the X-ray and MRI ruling out a joint problem. My doctor ordered a sonogram. It also came back normal. Then she ordered a G.I. series. I knew nothing was wrong with my intestines and I refused to have such an invasive procedure done for no reason. At that point I knew I had to stop this and ask her for an MRI on my back. The MRI was scheduled for 10/5/04...almost three months after my initial symptoms began. By this time, I'd been sleeping on the couch for almost a month. I couldn't tell you when I had my last full night of rest. I surely could not remember a day passing without at least a minor episode. My ability to function at work was almost non-existent. Going in for the MRI, I felt that I would finally get the answer I'd been waiting for all summer. The technician told me it would take about 15 minutes for her to complete the scan. As the minutes passed, I became restless because I knew I would have an episode as soon as I stood up. That was the most excruciating thing about these tests...I knew I had to lay down and my body would be so incredibly unforgiving once I got back up that it was almost not worth it. The tech communicated with me during the scan and prompted me before each section of it. Once my 15 minutes were up, I knew she saw something troubling. She told me that the scan would take a little longer than she expected. She informed me that she would be pulling me out of the tube, injecting me with something to illuminate my spinal cord, and putting me back in for additional scans. When it was over, she had a look of extreme concern on her face. I asked her if she could tell me that she found something. She asked me what my first clue was, but added that she could not disclose any information. She asked if I had to go straight to work or could hang around for a few minutes. I told her I could hang around, expecting that she would come back with information. I slowly got dressed. My body was not happy with me, but it was cooperating a bit more than I expected. Once I emerged, the tech came into the waiting room and told me I was free to go. I asked her when my doctor would be receiving the results and the following day was her best estimate. However, shortly after lunch I got a call from my doctor. As soon as I heard her voice, I knew it was something serious. In my experience, she always had the nurse call patients rather than placing the calls herself. The doctor informed me that she got the MRI results and would be keeping the office open late for me to come in and talk with her that night. I asked her if I should be worried, and she responded, "We'll talk about that when you get here." I can remember the feeling of fear as it rushed over my body. I called my mother on an impulse. That was a mistake. I could not hide the anxiety in my voice and it became contagious. My mother became emotional as I explained to her that she could not accompany me to the appointment because it would cause the anxiety level to become much higher if I had to worry about her reaction to what the doctor was saying. I would rather hear what the doctor had to say and process it before bringing it to my family. I'm not sure how I processed the words "tumor on your spinal cord" so quickly and calmly, but I was able to explain everything to my parents with absolutely no emotion. I was also able to calmly process the words as my doctor apologized for having believed that an MRI on my back had already been done.


I've been asked numerous times why I'm not furious about the mistake my doctor made. The truth is there's nothing to be angry about. If the oversight hadn't been made we may have found the problem sooner, but it would not change the outcome of the situation. Why should I waste my time being angry over a problem that has been solved? Naturally, I had to spend a great deal of time updating all of my friends and family with the information I received. I was very positive and remained calm when relaying the information. I felt that there was nothing to be upset about because anxiety would not change the situation...it would only run down my body before surgery. I knew what was wrong and I knew what the solution was, so all I had to do was let go and allow God to guide the hands of my surgeons. My most exhausting experiences involved processing my own feelings and remaining calm as some of my loved ones broke down upon hearing the news. I had to do everything in my power not to take responsibility for their reactions because it would cause me to lose focus on my own outlook for the situation. It was next to impossible to convince them that I was calm about everything. It was even harder having to convince them that they should be calm about it as well. Within a week, I was meeting with a neurosurgeon and scheduling surgery. On 10/25/04, the day before surgery, I attempted to get ready for work for over SIX hours. I had reached a point where I was unable to function on any level. Others were providing me with muscle relaxers and pain killers just so I could make it through each day. I was trying to put in extra hours at work to tie up loose ends before going on extended medical leave, but it was impossible for me to focus on anything besides my pain. October 26, 2004 couldn't have come a day later. My friend, Heather, met Mom and me at the hospital at 5:30 a.m. She sat with mom before and during the surgery. I remember so much from that day...including being wheeled into the operating room. After surgery, I was in intensive care for 24 hours (I was actually in the room 4 days, but that was because they could not find a normal room for me) and in the hospital a total of 6 days. I had numerous visitors: Heather P., Daidra, Alisha, Janice, Heather K., Becky, Alicia, Caley, Kiowanda, Damara, Brooke, Amanda, Christi, John and Joni, Kristin, and Dad. Mom was there with me every day. The good news was that it was just a nerve tumor...called a schwannoma, which is benign. The nerve the doctor had to cut to get the tumor was linked to the outer part of my left leg and my foot. I had to learn how to walk again, first using a walker and then moving to a special cane. I left the hospital on 11/1/04 to begin readjusting to life at home. By that time, I had a special leg brace to help me walk. I'm very proud to say that I got out and voted on 11/2/04...so nobody else has an excuse for not voting! I started physical therapy on 11/9/04. I've been given a one-year time frame for recovery. This is because nerves only regenerate approximately 1/8 inch per month, if at all. There is no guarantee that I will ever regain the full function of my foot. But, I think I'll take that over the pain I was having any day!
Two weeks after my surgery, I was blessed to be in the delivery room with one of my dearest friends for 13 hours of labor. I could not make it through the entire delivery...for various reasons considering I had gotten out of the hospital 7 days earlier. Perhaps if she hadn't been occiput posterior, Bunny would have come a bit sooner! =) However, on 11/9/04 (after my first session of physical therapy) I got to meet Marilee for the first time. What a beautiful experience to have such a close friend give birth to a perfect baby girl! I find myself wanting to be around them all the time. I guess I'm trying to become an expert before I become an aunt!
To end 2004 and start 2005 off on a positive note, my life has been blessed with an amazing new friend. Dawn cracks me up constantly and makes work bearable each day. She is crazy and stubborn...an interesting challenge because she is so much like me. My natural instinct to study the people around me is always renewed when I meet someone light-hearted and energetic. Through my observation, I've come to believe that getting to know someone new is basically the same experience on every level. Whether you are making a new friend, dating, or even entering a new workplace there always seems to be this excitement of getting to know the person/people around you and the new environment you are entering into. Something interesting that I've noticed is that every situation will undoubtedly have its slightly awkward moments when you suddenly realize the formation of the relationship as it's taking place. Sometimes I laugh out loud in my office when I get an email with a personal getting-to-know-you kind of question. I think it's fascinating that I can find an almost instant friendship with someone 12 years older than me, who is married and has children...things that I have no idea about yet! I can definitely consider this a learning experience. Dawn totally reminds me of my Aunt Merv. She is hilarious, has a quick wit, and doesn't put up with any of my shit...but underneath all that, there is a truly sincere and kind heart and a caring nature. These are fun times, but I have to learn to control my ADD and not let it affect her ability to get work done. Oh, the sacrifices we make for friendship. =) I treasure every one of my friends and Dawn is no exception. We often ask ourselves how we've become bonded so quickly. For whatever reason, God has blessed me (and it seems the same is probably true of Dawn) with an ability to make friends quickly and keep them around for a long time. I think He has a way of leading me to the people who will have a positive impact on my life. That is one gift I will never question and try my best not to take for granted.
Along with my new friend, I'm hoping to have a new title in CPS. I applied for a new position today and can only cross my fingers and hope that this will be the escape I've been looking for. I need to remove myself from the negative work environment I'm currently in. Working for a boss who is not respected on any level has made for an exhausting 2 1/2 years. At this point, I choose to focus on my blessings. So many things are paving the way for a new start and a great year ahead.
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." - Chinese Proverb