Too smart for my own good?????

Tonight I sluggishly arrived at Research class after a loooooong day caused by another night of staying up way too late. The past several weeks, I've found a way to sneak out of class during the break. However, tonight I knew I would not be able to leave because we have a group presentation coming up and my group hasn't done a single thing to start preparing. As I was waiting for class to begin, my professor arrived with a huge stack of papers in his hand. Oh crap...I forgot about that paper I turned in last week and I certainly did not think he would already have it graded!!

As we filed into the classroom and got settled, he started handing out the papers. I did not expect my name to be called first. I got up and met my professor halfway, only to have him say "Excellent work!" as he handed my paper to me and walked away. I felt a sense of relief as I walked back to my table. Immediately, I started thumbing through my paper to find the grade sheet. Who cares about any notes he made; just give me the damn grade already!!! As I arrived at the grade sheet on the back, I glanced down and saw a note from him:
"I rarely give a 30 for this assignment, as it constitutes a perfect score, but you earned it." At this point, I decided it was appropriate to go through and pay attention to any notes left on the paper. There were few, so I went back to the grade sheet to verify what I previously saw. Still in disbelief, I waited until break time to go speak with him about my paper. As I approached, I said, "I know...I shouldn't have any questions about my paper...but..." He cut me off and jokingly said, "Oh, so you want to complain about your grade, eh?" I proceeded to ask my question, only to have him reassure me that my paper was "masterfully written" and the only perfect score he awarded. He then asked if I would email it to him so he can use it in the future as an example. Are you kidding me??? This is a paper that I wrote the day it was due! It took me 7 hours to turn out a "perfect" paper in RESEARCH class??? I am baffled, shocked, dumbfounded, confused. I still don't understand. I talked with a great friend on the way home about the awards I am getting this week (University Scholar and Outstanding Master's Student)...and my guilt about receiving those awards when I do not feel that I've given very much of myself to this Master's program. She laughed at me and said, "Let me get this straight...you feel BAD because you only have to give about 2% of your abilities and people STILL think you are amazing? Damn, I guess if you REALLY tried you could rule the world!" I guess I could decide to put that positive spin on things...why can't I see myself the way others do sometimes? Damn self-esteem...

"If I can't dazzle them with my brilliance, I baffle them with my bullshit" - client, 2008

2009 Crawfish Boil = Awesome!

Love is displayed by forgiveness?

As I was sitting in church today, the pastor delivered a message about great expectations. This particular sermon was about love; it was entitled, Trusting In The Perfect Love Of God. God defines love. Love is derived from God. Love is destructive to fear. These were three among the four points made by Pastor Matey. The fourth was the one that got me thinking: love is displayed by forgiveness.

For me, that is such a loaded concept due, in large part, to my previously mentioned issues with forgiveness (refer to post with obvious title). The other thought this brings to mind is this: shouldn't love be displayed by never causing someone to need to forgive you? I know that must sound naive and unrealistic...so, let me rephrase: shouldn't we display love by doing everything in our power to prevent the need for forgiveness? Shouldn't we be striving for perfection with those we love and doing everything in our power not to hurt them or otherwise need them to forgive us? I know this is impossible. That was another point Pastor Matey made today...only God has the ability to practice perfect love. However, if love is displayed by forgiveness and I have a disability - which, I suspect is just a smidge short of an inability - with that skill, does that mean I have a compromised ability to love? I know there is more to this discussion than I actually have energy for at the moment...so I will leave it at this for tonight. However, this is certainly a topic I will pick up again as soon as possible.

"To err is human, to forgive divine." - Alexander Pope (1711)

The simple things hold the most remarkable beauty

The same is true of nature and of people...

I witnessed this today as I was walking to my car to get my umbrella:

I hurried back inside and grabbed my camera...of course...and my secretary (who has become a dear friend of mine), Adrius. I stood, mesmerized, for about thirty minutes watching as this "rainbow" changed shape and color with the movement of the clouds (turns out it wasn't an actual rainbow...but a light show caused by the sun's rays bouncing off of ice crystals in the cirrus clouds...thanks david finfrock!!...i always knew i should've been a meteorologist...). I have never seen anything like it before. It was as though God knew I needed something to bring me peace today. The colors danced and changed, faded and reappeared. Just when I thought this brilliant light show was over, the "rainbow" would emerge from behind a cloud. Why can't something this remarkable happen every day?

A stranger to myself

It has been entirely too long since I posted anything. I was reminded of how much I need to write when a new friend brought up blogging in a conversation and we discussed mine. I am really shocked that it was over a year ago that I last posted something...and it has been much longer than that since I regularly posted anything. Writing truly is therapeutic for me and I probably need that now more than I have in a long time. There are many things swirling around in my world right now and I might as well get them off my chest (which is enough of a weight on its own) and onto the page...

That being said, I just took a sleepy pill and do not think a profound entry will find its way from my brain to my fingers tonight...mostly because I cannot narrow down which topic I should handle first...but I do think it is time to refocus on my writing and use this again as an outlet for the many emotions that run through me on a daily basis. In the past two years or so, I have let myself become so busy with other things that I've even alienated myself...

...back to basics, y'all.

"Everything intercepts us from ourselves." - Emerson, 1833