The E.N.D. of Afton.

The E.N.D. is the title of the new Black Eyed Peas album. If you know me, and my diverse taste in music, perhaps you already know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE...and L-O-V-E...the Black Eyed Peas. However, that is not necessarily relevant here...I just wanted to be able to give them credit for the initial thought that led to this post. At the beginning of their new album, there is a futuristic, robotic voice speaking...and, of course, imparting wisdom...to us. (Please understand that I do not typically credit - or trust, for that matter - pop culture figures with dispersing wisdom; however, in this case, it was thought-provoking and absolutely relevant to my current life situation. This combination of factors influenced my label of this message as wise. Oh, how I digress.). So, the previously mentioned Mr. Robotica-like-orator says: "Everything around you is changing. Nothing stays the same. This version of myself is not permanent. Tomorrow I will be different. The energy never dies."
Since reaching adulthood, my ability to recognize my personality flaws and the life events that shaped those flaws increased ten-fold. Perhaps that is due in large part to my education; perhaps it is due to stepping out of the bubble that once influenced my every decision and action. Becoming an independent thinker is a scary thing. It is, at times, very humbling to realize the person you've become. It is also, at times, sad and disappointing. More often than not, it is exhilarating and empowering. In recent months, some of the people who know me best began making statements about the "change" in my personality within the past few years. Some do not agree with the changes; others support and encourage the changes. For those who do not know me well or have not been able to spend much time in my presence over the past several years, let me elaborate...
My life has always revolved around helping others...but evolved into putting others first in virtually all situations. In the past, I described myself as being loyal and helpful to a fault. This fault, as it turns out, became the sacrifice of my own needs and desires. The older and wiser Afton now has to look back and ask herself: What good does it do to help others when I am only doing it to fill a void within myself? What help am I to others if I cannot even help myself? How can I be honest with others if I am not willing to express my true thoughts and feelings, but lock those up in (what I thought was) an attempt to "protect" the people I care about?
As I am writing this, I literally gave this advice to one of my dearest friends...and it is something I very recently learned for myself: It is easy to become weakened when you are giving everyone else your strength. I don't know what back corner of my mind I pulled that from, but it sums up my entire life at this moment. I became weakened and thought I was on the verge of crumbling until I did something about it. I reached out to those who were my strength and support. I took some time to make sure I was meeting my own needs. I refocused my energy and attention. I am not 100% there yet...not even 60% there yet...but I am working on it. I feel myself changing every day, constantly discovering new things about myself and what I truly want in life. This is such a great feeling. I can only pray that this energy never dies...