My gynecologist--stop reading right here if you are uncomfortable with this subject matter--is a very funny woman. She and I have been through a lot together, medically speaking. She was able to help me get through some tough times by using a great sense of humor. I mean, who else can say their gynecologist has used the phrase, "As long as you don't have a porn star boyfriend, you'll be fine" or tried to prescribe them sex? One minute she is saying things like, "Your first baby will blow that right out," and in the next breath telling me the benefits of a C-section include not becoming one of those women that pees on herself when laughing, sneezing, or coughing. She is pure genius, I tell you. But, at times, pure genius can make a person uncomfortable. Take my annual exam last year, for example. The woman was doing my breast exam and, for whatever reason (although we ALL know the reason), made the comment, "Your breasts really are humongous!" Wow, that was kind of strange and a little bit awkward...but I had to admit she was just pointing out a well-known fact. So, I let it slide. This year, she seems to have one-upped herself. There was no stray comment about my breasts during this year's exam...although, they certainly have not gotten any smaller. Oh no, this year she reserved her commentary for the real deal. So, there I am in all my glory...hospital gown, gauze-like footies, paper blanket, hallogen lights...just wanting to get this over with so I can return to work because I have so much to do. Then, from a place just beyond my knees and below my comfort zone, came the words that would forever change me..."Oh, you have a beautiful vagina!" A million thoughts raced through my head...What exactly does that mean? Should I be proud of myself? I want to see! What the hell is wrong with her? I rule! Are you kidding me right now?...but all I could manage was nervous laughter. I was finally able to say, "Wow, I'm really embarrassed right now," just as the nurse was walking over to see for herself what the doctor was talking about. She added a comment about everything looking great. In my confusion, all I could think to say was, "Well, you've put enough work into it so I hope so." After a brief and purposefully abrupt conclusion to the conversation, I was dressed and out the door. I couldn't help but look in the rearview mirror to see just how red my face was as I drove away from what can only be described as one of the weirdest experiences of my life. I also couldn't help but wonder if she has she ever told someone the complete opposite..."Oh, your vagina is ugly/could use improvement/needs a break/makes me ill/I quit, it's not worth it anymore!" I can't even imagine the things she has seen...but how often does she feel compelled to make comments like that? I can only say that I'm relieved to receive the type of comment I did, rather than the opposite. I find it interesting to consider the fact that if a man heard a compliment like that about his penis, he would most likely feel completely validated (and possibly aroused)...but as a woman, I was confused and embarrassed. That may have something to do with my own personality. But, it seemed that all of the women I talked to afterward shared my awkward and embarrassed reaction. When I got back to the office, I talked about the incident with several people and got some very different opinions about my doctor's comments. I think it is important to note that I do not think my doctor was out of line or inappropriate, mostly because we have always carried on with this type of banter. However, several people have made a good point that if she was a man I would probably be considering a lawsuit before I even got out of the stirrups. That may be true, but luckily it's not the case. Right now, I'm just considering whether or not I should go ahead and write my Vagina Monologue...because it just keeps getting better and better. If nothing else, from this day forward I will have a hilarious story to tell about one of the weirdest days of my life...and I also have a new pick-up line for dating..."My doctor says my vagina is beautiful. Wanna find out what all the fuss is about?" Now I'm certain to be married within the next year......
