Mortality

I found out yesterday that a guy I went to high school with was murdered. He was gunned down in his front yard, while his family was inside the house. I cannot claim that this man was a close friend of mine. I remember him and I have nothing but positive memories about him...but he was not someone with whom I was close enough to call a friend and I do not feel comfortable calling him that now just because he was killed. I was not aware of where life had taken him. Although, the news coverage revealed that he was a husband and a father of two sons. It makes me wonder about the hands life has dealt other people with whom I once crossed paths. Are there other people that were taken too soon? Who did they leave behind?
Our ten-year reunion is only a few short months away. I know I will see many familiar faces that I have not seen since graduation. But, many faces will be missing. How will I know which people simply decided not to come and which may no longer be with us?
This makes me think about my own mortality. The people who really know me know that I do not see myself living a long life. But, when will my time come and what will be the cause of my exit from this life? I don't fear death itself. I fear the process of dying. As I'm sure virtually all people would agree, I don't want my death to be a long, slow, and painful one. I want to take the easy way out and pass away in my sleep, without a clue that the end is approaching. I've seen my funeral many times in my head. I wonder how many other people have thoughts like this on a regular basis. I've always had hang-ups about death; this is common knowledge. Obviously, I don't have overwhelming anxiety that causes me to stay within the confines of my home. I don't refuse to go through my daily activities because death could be waiting around the next corner. There are just many times that I ask myself, "What if today is the day?" I think about the people I would leave behind and the jobs I would leave unfinished, the travels not taken, the love not shared, the memories not made. I wonder if I've done enough in my life to be remembered. Do I have a legacy? Have I made a difference? When you lose someone unexpectedly, there are too many questions that are left unanswered. I learned that lesson many years ago. It changed the way I demonstrate my feelings for people. Actually, it changed my entire outlook on life. I don't want people to question the way I feel about them, especially the people I love. I remember asking myself 14 years ago, "When was the last time I said 'I love you'?" That is a painful question and I don't want to have to ask it again. I also don't want people to have to ask it about me when I'm gone. Maybe that is another reason I avoid confrontation. Although, I guess it should actually be a reason to embrace confrontation...get all your feelings out there and get over it as quickly as possible so you can make up and say you love each other. It might also be a reason why I'm a control freak...death is not something that I can control, so I want to maintain control of those things I am able to. Perhaps it is a major reason why I'm afraid to let anyone get too close...I want to leave as few people behind as possible; I certainly don't want to leave behind a husband and children. (Maybe that's really because I wouldn't trust him to raise the children correctly!!) =)
This is just another one of those topics that swirls around in my head. It just helps to get those thoughts out sometimes...because, of course, writing is my therapy.

Forgiveness?

Someone very recently pointed out to me that forgiveness is not something many people really know how to do. This got me thinking. (You are shocked right now; I am sure of it.) To the world at large, I would identify myself as a forgiving person. Most of my friends would probably agree with this. After all, isn't forgiveness the right thing to do? Aren't we all taught that we should forgive and forget? Doesn't every person with a good heart have to be able to forgive those who have wronged him or her?

There are some people in my life with whom I have encountered much anguish - at times triggered by my own emotional shortcomings and at times based solely on the actions of the other person - but they remain in my life. On the surface, it would appear that I have forgiven those people and moved on to strengthen our relationship. Here's a revelation...I never really forgive and I certainly don't forget. That is going to come as a shock to several people. In fact, this post may change some of my relationships. The truth is that I "forgive" because it is the easy thing to do. We are all well aware by now that I am not good at handling conflict. Why not just avoid all that? Besides, who wants conflict and awkwardness when you can just pretend everything is fine and act like you are moving on?

One of the many destructive things about that lie is something that is never really seen by anyone else. It is the dialogue that remains in my head, just waiting to spin its web any time I feel the slightest bit of doubt about the person in the future. The fact is that any time I get upset with a person, I always re-live his or her previous wrongdoings in my mind. "See, he/she is at it again...it's just like the last time." That hurts. It's hard. It really puts me in a bad place emotionally. My guard goes back up and I distance myself, if only momentarily, so I can regroup and start pretending again. I've had opportunities to walk away from relationships rather than "forgiving" a person. Why I haven't taken those opportunities is beyond my comprehension. This might be one of the few issues for which I cannot pinpoint a specific event in my life to label as the cause.

So, what now? If I've identified this flaw in myself without knowing the root of it, what is the solution? Is there a solution? Do I really want to find a solution? This brings up a completely separate issue of not allowing myself to be vulnerable. There's that control-freak thing again. Can I truly learn how to forgive if I am not willing to put myself in a position of vulnerability for others?