Forgiveness?
Someone very recently pointed out to me that forgiveness is not something many people really know how to do. This got me thinking. (You are shocked right now; I am sure of it.) To the world at large, I would identify myself as a forgiving person. Most of my friends would probably agree with this. After all, isn't forgiveness the right thing to do? Aren't we all taught that we should forgive and forget? Doesn't every person with a good heart have to be able to forgive those who have wronged him or her?
There are some people in my life with whom I have encountered much anguish - at times triggered by my own emotional shortcomings and at times based solely on the actions of the other person - but they remain in my life. On the surface, it would appear that I have forgiven those people and moved on to strengthen our relationship. Here's a revelation...I never really forgive and I certainly don't forget. That is going to come as a shock to several people. In fact, this post may change some of my relationships. The truth is that I "forgive" because it is the easy thing to do. We are all well aware by now that I am not good at handling conflict. Why not just avoid all that? Besides, who wants conflict and awkwardness when you can just pretend everything is fine and act like you are moving on?
One of the many destructive things about that lie is something that is never really seen by anyone else. It is the dialogue that remains in my head, just waiting to spin its web any time I feel the slightest bit of doubt about the person in the future. The fact is that any time I get upset with a person, I always re-live his or her previous wrongdoings in my mind. "See, he/she is at it again...it's just like the last time." That hurts. It's hard. It really puts me in a bad place emotionally. My guard goes back up and I distance myself, if only momentarily, so I can regroup and start pretending again. I've had opportunities to walk away from relationships rather than "forgiving" a person. Why I haven't taken those opportunities is beyond my comprehension. This might be one of the few issues for which I cannot pinpoint a specific event in my life to label as the cause.
So, what now? If I've identified this flaw in myself without knowing the root of it, what is the solution? Is there a solution? Do I really want to find a solution? This brings up a completely separate issue of not allowing myself to be vulnerable. There's that control-freak thing again. Can I truly learn how to forgive if I am not willing to put myself in a position of vulnerability for others?
There are some people in my life with whom I have encountered much anguish - at times triggered by my own emotional shortcomings and at times based solely on the actions of the other person - but they remain in my life. On the surface, it would appear that I have forgiven those people and moved on to strengthen our relationship. Here's a revelation...I never really forgive and I certainly don't forget. That is going to come as a shock to several people. In fact, this post may change some of my relationships. The truth is that I "forgive" because it is the easy thing to do. We are all well aware by now that I am not good at handling conflict. Why not just avoid all that? Besides, who wants conflict and awkwardness when you can just pretend everything is fine and act like you are moving on?
One of the many destructive things about that lie is something that is never really seen by anyone else. It is the dialogue that remains in my head, just waiting to spin its web any time I feel the slightest bit of doubt about the person in the future. The fact is that any time I get upset with a person, I always re-live his or her previous wrongdoings in my mind. "See, he/she is at it again...it's just like the last time." That hurts. It's hard. It really puts me in a bad place emotionally. My guard goes back up and I distance myself, if only momentarily, so I can regroup and start pretending again. I've had opportunities to walk away from relationships rather than "forgiving" a person. Why I haven't taken those opportunities is beyond my comprehension. This might be one of the few issues for which I cannot pinpoint a specific event in my life to label as the cause.
So, what now? If I've identified this flaw in myself without knowing the root of it, what is the solution? Is there a solution? Do I really want to find a solution? This brings up a completely separate issue of not allowing myself to be vulnerable. There's that control-freak thing again. Can I truly learn how to forgive if I am not willing to put myself in a position of vulnerability for others?
posted by Afton @ 9:07 AM
2 Comments:
At 2/10/2008 7:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
I'm guessing you're not a big fan of that saying, "Love like you've never loved, dance like nobody's watching, etc. etc. etc.?" I don't know it all, but have seen it and ignored it a thousand times. No so much your style, I think. :)
You're right on target with something you said, though. It has to do with forgetting. "Forgive and Forget?" Very, very poor counsel, my friend. How can one ever be successful with something that is impossible to accomplish? God throws our sins as far as the east is from the west. He forgets. But He's God. Last I checked, neither of us are. How stupid is it to forget that someone hurt you? What? So you can set yourself up to be hurt again? I don't think so! The trick though, is being able to forgive - truly forgive - but responsibly set parameters and boundaries that will protect you - because you're just that important.
At 2/20/2008 4:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
you do forgive my love!
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