Happy Birthday To Me

Thanks to everyone who remembered my birthday and made it a really good day for me! There was an exciting development and I'm really ready to see what becomes of it! I guess it's a good thing I wasn't totally withdrawn all day.

Oh, and here's something interesting that apparently only mothers can appreciate. Jesse got her first shots today and both my mom and sister broke down crying...











Why would this make you cry? They didn't cry when I was cutting her fingernails and I accidentally pinched her finger. She sure did throw a fit for about an hour and I didn't see anyone breaking down over that. Getting immunized serves an actual purpose...having your (favorite) aunt almost end your life with nail clippers is much more traumatic and worthy of tears from Mom and Grammy! I guess we just prefer it when she is so sweet and adorable...which is at least 1/4 of the time!

Moodiness...that's for sure

You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Birthday Schmirthday

The countdown to my birthday has begun. Once Dad's birthday and Daidra's birthday have passed, I know that mine is just a matter of days away. This year I dread it. As the day draws closer, I feel myself withdrawing more and more. I know that some of this is related to what happened last year. It can easily be called the worst birthday I can remember. I thought I was over it, but now I feel like I've gone into self-defense mode and I'm preparing to spend the day by myself just to prevent anything from going wrong again. This is the extreme opposite of what birthdays are supposed to feel like. It's fairly unfamiliar territory for me. I've never had a problem celebrating my birthday. I don't like or want a big fuss, but in previous years I've enjoyed dinner and going to a bar with my friends or just hanging out somewhere. I'm sure if recent circumstances were different, I might not be feeling quite this dramatic about my birthday. Unfortunately, I was already in the process of withdrawing. That made it much easier for me to react negatively to the memories from last year's birthday and transfer them into a defense mechanism. Suddenly I feel old in my mid-20s. These are supposed to be the greatest years of my life...somewhere between youth and full-fledged adulthood. I don't feel that way right now. I feel exhausted. I feel run-down. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I just need some time to re-energize and regroup.

Elsewhere

i love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in the space where i can breathe
i believe there is a
distance i have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in
i believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and i'll defend it as long as i can be
left here to linger in silence
if i choose to
would you try to understand

-Sarah McLachlan

Out of Control

I'm a control freak. I'm not scared...I'll admit it. When it comes to my life, I want to have the reins on every aspect. Right now, I'm desperate for the reins. Where are the fucking reins? It's like I'm on a stage coach that's running at full speed and my salvation lies in straps of leather that are flopping down by the horses' hooves. I have no control and I have no idea how to reach for and grab the reins without putting myself in harm's way. That may be one of the most hyperbolic descriptions I've ever written, but that's really how I feel at the moment. Something is out of whack lately. I can't put my finger on just one thing that triggered this sense of chaos. It's almost like all the walls started coming in at once. I'm in if-it's-not-one-thing-it's-another mode. I'm constantly worried about Jesse, so I try to spend tons of time with her. When I do that, naturally I neglect other areas of my life. I try to switch my focus to friends. Sometimes my friends are busy or unavailable. Sometimes there is the overwhelming realization that an awesome friend now lives several states away and we can't just hang out like we used to. Then I get a random phone call that reminds me that I also have family far away that I love and miss. So I start to think about when I can take another vacation, which turns my attention to financial issues. At 24 years old, you would think financial issues should not be too daunting. Unfortunately, I was a typical college student and acquired a substantial chunk of debt from some reckless spending and those despised, yet necessary, student loans. My debt certainly is not out of control. It does not hinder my everyday spending. However, I am a planner and constantly try to come up with new ideas for how to pay off my debt sooner. When I think about student loans, I think about going back to school for my Masters in Social Work. I won't settle for anything less than my MSW. The question is, when will I be able to go? That leads to an entirely different set of questions about the future. I don't even want to get into those. I just want my brain to slow down and give me a break. I'm feeling overwhelmed and tired. Those feelings cause me to question everything and everyone around me. If you could look inside my head, that process would not be a fun one to watch. I over-analyze. That is well-known among my loved ones. When I do that, I withdraw. That's where I am right now...in my head trying to decide what is important in my life and what hinders me. All I need is a little time to figure that out.
"In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth." - Mahatma Gandhi

How freaking cute is this kid?