Family Ties

I had a dream the other night that is sticking with me. It wasn't a scary dream, nor was it particularly happy/exciting for any reason. It was just a random dream. It might be considered disturbing, but not in a fuck-you-up-psychologically kind of way. It was more of a reminder that some things really suck and I wish I could change them...but I haven't been successful thus far. I remember my Aunt Wendy being there and my mom. That was nothing out of the ordinary. The odd part was that my Aunt Jo was there too. For anyone who knows anything about my family history, you will understand why this is not normal. For those who don't know, I will just say that these three have not been in the same place together in almost 12 years now. That is a long fucking time. I hate even writing that. I remember in the dream I felt relieved to have them all in the same place. My mom and Aunt Jo were crying. It was like when Uncle John showed up at my college graduation party and he and Mom both cried. They hadn't seen each other or spoken in quite some time. I'm not sure why Uncle John wasn't in the dream. I don't know why Aunt Vicki wasn't there either. I guess this dream wasn't completely random. Earlier in the evening, I read an old paper that I wrote four and a half years ago while I was in college. It was about my values...obviously, a social work paper. I wrote about how the events in my family have influenced my values. It's amazing how clear these things were to me at such a young age. The question was, how could I make the rest of the family understand? Here's an excerpt from the paper:

I witnessed five siblings completely torn apart in a battle over material possessions. A family was ruined because pride, greed, and miscommunication were displayed more than any type of love. After viewing such a scene, I vowed that I would never let a relationship be based more on worldly goods than on love. These siblings could not see it at the time, but they were fighting over much more than my grandfather's estate. They were fighting over the love of one man. Because none of them were shown the same amount love, they all felt the need to prove they were loved in even the slightest capacity. All they heard each other saying was, "I want this," or "I'm taking that!" What I heard was much different. "If he loved me as much as he loved her, he would at least allow me to remember him with this." "Maybe by having one of his treasures I will be able to prove to the others that I was treasured." Could I stand up to all my relatives and share my interpretations of their behavior? At thirteen, no, I had no way of expressing my feelings as I do now. But, what I was able to do was make myself a promise that I would never allow a situation like that to take place in any of my relationships, family or otherwise.

I've always wanted to be the hero in my family, the peacemaker. I want to be able to talk to everyone and fix this whole mess. I just want to go back to those times when we actually were a family. It has been so fucking hard growing up without an extended family. My parents are constantly preaching that family doesn't fight family and we always have to be there for one another. Apparently, that only applies to our immediate family. Why doesn't it matter with their own siblings and parents? The ones who have really suffered in this situation are the kids. I don't think anyone thought of that when they decided that not speaking for the rest of their lives was the right thing to do. I had cousins that I was pretty close to and they were suddenly ripped out of my life...and vice versa. Yes, I'm still bitter about it. I don't know these people now...not like I should. I've tried to make my own relationships with everyone, but it's awkward. There are years that we've lost. It wasn't until 7 years after this shit happened that I was an adult who could make my own decisions about having contact with the family members my parents refused to speak to. I had to tag along with my Uncle John on a trip to Georgia in order to begin this journey for myself. I sat and cried with Aunt Jo and Aunt Vicki over what has taken place in this family. They both expressed a longing to have back the relationships that were lost. Unfortunately, everyone seems to feel that it is too late. Nobody is willing to make the first move. I've been trying to come up with a plan for years about how to fix this. If nobody is willing to make the first move, how can I make it for them? Honestly, when it comes to something like this I'm still just a kid. At some point, don't I just have to realize that this issue is bigger than me and there is no amount of energy or effort on my part that could fix it?