Bad day...

Today was just a really bad day! This realization came to me when I awoke to find that my cat was vomiting all over the place. She even threw up on my bed! Ugh. Needless to say, I had to rip off my sheets and throw them in the washer. This put me behind schedule. I was almost afraid to leave her, because I had no idea what was wrong. Unfortunately, I set up a morning home visit so I had to go. I was running late...and I tend to have a lead foot...so, of course, I was speeding. I am normally very attentive when I am driving. However, this morning I was much too distracted to notice the little speed trap on I-20 until it was too late. I did manage to slam on the brakes and got a ticket for 77 in a 60 rather than 85 in a 60. To top it off, I haven't had time (or enough free brain cells) to remember that I needed to switch out my insurance cards. So, I got myself a second ticket for failure to maintain liability insurance. I'm not worried about these tickets, because they are easily taken care of. They just added to my list of unpleasant events. Once I finished my home visit and got to work, I got the news that one of my relatives has decided he can no longer care for his 4 grandchildren and he is relinquishing them back to us. That means these kids have to go back into foster care! I hate that sooooo much. I tried to tell the worker that there are other relatives available, but she feels inconvenienced by the fact that they haven't had enough contact with her. To that I say get off your fucking power trip and think about what is best for these kids!! I practically begged her to let me do a home assessment on them just to see if they would work out. I still haven't gotten a response from her, but I sure as hell know she read the email (thank you, Microsoft Outlook, for email tracking!). Once I realized that I wasn't functioning very well at work, I decided to go home. I can always work from my home computer late in the evening, so it wasn't a matter of leaving work sitting on my desk. On my way home, I decided that a visit with Jesse was needed to add a positive moment to my day. Once I got there, Dad decided to call me out on my distant behavior for the past month and we got into a discussion about how fucked up things are right now in the family. I've been wanting to get into that discussion for a while now, but I was weighing my options between stepping into the situation and keeping my distance so as not to get overly involved. I got what I needed out of that visit, but then my sister came home and took the baby to see Trevor. That is another situation I need to gripe about some other day...because I could go on and on. Right now, my complaint is that my time got cut short because she felt that it was more important for that worthless asshole to see Jesse instead of me. Whatever, I'll admit that I'm bitter. One positive thing today: I came home to find that Roxie survived the day and did not throw up all over the place while I was gone. After that refreshing discovery, I decided to turn on the television and catch up on the news. Of course, the majority of the broadcast on every station covered the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. The images are becoming just as exhausting as those we kept seeing after 9/11. It wears on me to continuously see footage of devastation and suffering. At the same time, I want to take it all in so that I can try to have some understanding of what these people are going through. This is a really tough time for so many people. I have a friend who was living in New Orleans and felt that it had become her home. She was visiting her family in another state when Katrina hit. Obviously, she cannot go home. She is quite distraught and needs a lot of prayer right now...as all these people do. Rebecca, I'm praying for you. Everyone who reads this, please pray for her too. Pray for the city and all those who are suffering because of this tragic situation. No matter how bad my day was, I count my blessings that I still have my life, my family, my friends, and my home.

Family Ties

I had a dream the other night that is sticking with me. It wasn't a scary dream, nor was it particularly happy/exciting for any reason. It was just a random dream. It might be considered disturbing, but not in a fuck-you-up-psychologically kind of way. It was more of a reminder that some things really suck and I wish I could change them...but I haven't been successful thus far. I remember my Aunt Wendy being there and my mom. That was nothing out of the ordinary. The odd part was that my Aunt Jo was there too. For anyone who knows anything about my family history, you will understand why this is not normal. For those who don't know, I will just say that these three have not been in the same place together in almost 12 years now. That is a long fucking time. I hate even writing that. I remember in the dream I felt relieved to have them all in the same place. My mom and Aunt Jo were crying. It was like when Uncle John showed up at my college graduation party and he and Mom both cried. They hadn't seen each other or spoken in quite some time. I'm not sure why Uncle John wasn't in the dream. I don't know why Aunt Vicki wasn't there either. I guess this dream wasn't completely random. Earlier in the evening, I read an old paper that I wrote four and a half years ago while I was in college. It was about my values...obviously, a social work paper. I wrote about how the events in my family have influenced my values. It's amazing how clear these things were to me at such a young age. The question was, how could I make the rest of the family understand? Here's an excerpt from the paper:

I witnessed five siblings completely torn apart in a battle over material possessions. A family was ruined because pride, greed, and miscommunication were displayed more than any type of love. After viewing such a scene, I vowed that I would never let a relationship be based more on worldly goods than on love. These siblings could not see it at the time, but they were fighting over much more than my grandfather's estate. They were fighting over the love of one man. Because none of them were shown the same amount love, they all felt the need to prove they were loved in even the slightest capacity. All they heard each other saying was, "I want this," or "I'm taking that!" What I heard was much different. "If he loved me as much as he loved her, he would at least allow me to remember him with this." "Maybe by having one of his treasures I will be able to prove to the others that I was treasured." Could I stand up to all my relatives and share my interpretations of their behavior? At thirteen, no, I had no way of expressing my feelings as I do now. But, what I was able to do was make myself a promise that I would never allow a situation like that to take place in any of my relationships, family or otherwise.

I've always wanted to be the hero in my family, the peacemaker. I want to be able to talk to everyone and fix this whole mess. I just want to go back to those times when we actually were a family. It has been so fucking hard growing up without an extended family. My parents are constantly preaching that family doesn't fight family and we always have to be there for one another. Apparently, that only applies to our immediate family. Why doesn't it matter with their own siblings and parents? The ones who have really suffered in this situation are the kids. I don't think anyone thought of that when they decided that not speaking for the rest of their lives was the right thing to do. I had cousins that I was pretty close to and they were suddenly ripped out of my life...and vice versa. Yes, I'm still bitter about it. I don't know these people now...not like I should. I've tried to make my own relationships with everyone, but it's awkward. There are years that we've lost. It wasn't until 7 years after this shit happened that I was an adult who could make my own decisions about having contact with the family members my parents refused to speak to. I had to tag along with my Uncle John on a trip to Georgia in order to begin this journey for myself. I sat and cried with Aunt Jo and Aunt Vicki over what has taken place in this family. They both expressed a longing to have back the relationships that were lost. Unfortunately, everyone seems to feel that it is too late. Nobody is willing to make the first move. I've been trying to come up with a plan for years about how to fix this. If nobody is willing to make the first move, how can I make it for them? Honestly, when it comes to something like this I'm still just a kid. At some point, don't I just have to realize that this issue is bigger than me and there is no amount of energy or effort on my part that could fix it?

She already tries to cuss me out!

This is the face Jesse made when I told her about the things that went on at Alisha's party over the weekend! I think she was mostly upset because it was the reason why I couldn't come see her. Or maybe she was jealous because she didn't get to sing I'm a Slave 4 U on the karoake machine with me!

For all those inquiring minds...

I was able to complete the home assessment by Friday and the precious little girl was placed with her grandparents that evening! She was so excited and happy to go live with them. Cases like that make the long hours much easier and definitely worth it!

Workoholic?

Notice the time...it's after 2am. I am still awake because I just decided to stop working for the night. This week has been interesting. I feel a little bit overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to do within the next few days. At the same time, I am enjoying myself. I did a home assessment today on grandparents who want their granddaughter placed in their home as soon as possible. I was so impressed with them and impacted by their committment that I am trying to get this home assessment typed and submitted by the end of tomorrow. If I can do that, they have a chance to get her before the weekend. They are so worried about her going to her first day of Kindergarten as a foster child, only to be yanked out a week or so later and put into a different school once she is placed with them. School starts in their district on Monday, so she needs to be with them by Sunday. Am I crazy for trying this? If I didn't think it was possible, I wouldn't be doing it. The only variable that I can't control is the willingness of the worker to place her on Friday or over the weekend. I have a feeling that I will be volunteering to do that for her if she decides she has more important things to do than make sure a child's first day of school isn't a horrible experience. I'm definitely not a workoholic on a daily basis...but there are times when my determination gives me no other choice...especially when it's for a cause as worthy as a child. I haven't seen my little Jesse since Sunday, but I have the privilege of knowing that she is in good hands while I take a little extra time to help out some other kiddos who are not quite as fortunate.

What do you get when you mix two social workers with a couple of bottles of wine?

I must admit that I'm a bit tipsy as I write this. It will be a first for me...an almost-drunk blog. I promise to deliver a completely-drunk blog at some point in the future, but that will have to occur on a night when I'm not expected to drive. I'd like to start by saying I had an absolutely wonderful weekend! I haven't exactly been myself for the past few (or maybe eight) weeks, but this weekend was awesome and I certainly started today with a huge grin on my face. It was noticeable enough that one of my coworkers asked me what the hell I was smiling about as soon as she saw me this morning. That's good! Other exciting news for the day...Amanda had her baby! Yea! I'll be the first to admit that I never thought she would be able to do it without meds, but she proved me very wrong and I'm so damn proud of her! Her precious baby girl was born at 12:06 p.m. and weighed 8 pounds 4 ounces. I'm so excited to have another newborn around! She really is cute, but I can't tell who she looks like yet.
O.K., back to the question at hand...because it is a continuation of my great weekend...what do you get when you mix two social workers (who, by the way, happen to be good friends) with a couple of bottles of wine? The first answer to that question is some damn good conversation. I can't even begin to list all of the subjects covered tonight...but I will do my best: married life, gay friends, gay marriage, abortion, the death penalty and the appeals system, domestic violence, CPS, crime and punishment, friends/family in troubling relationships, proper proposals, college professors, debt and money management, George W., Republicans in social work, and I'm sure the list goes on and on. It's probably not very exciting for someone who isn't drinking wine and doesn't have an interest in these issues, but we had a damn good time catching up! I think I've realized over the past few days that I've really kicked myself in the ass by withdrawing over the last couple of months. It's time to come out and play with my friends! Well, actually, right now it's time to crawl into bed...I love wine!

Look who's getting too big for her britches!

I'm No Heroine

you think I wouldn't have him
unless I could have him by the balls
you think I just dish it out
you don't think I take it at all
you think I am stronger
you think I walk taller than the rest
you think I'm usually wearing the pants
just 'cause I rarely wear a dress
well...
when you look at me
you see my purpose,see my pride
you think I just saddle up my anger
and ride and ride and ride
you think I stand so firm
you think I sit so high on my trusty steed
let me tell you
I'm usually face down on the ground
when there's a stampede
I'm no heroine
at least, not last time I checked
I'm too easy to roll over
I'm too easy to wreck
I just write about
what I should have done
I just sing
what I wish I could say

-Ani DiFranco

Comment Phobia?

O.K. folks, what is it about leaving comments? I find this very interesting. I mean, people are incredibly entertaining. We all know I could sit and study humans 24 hours a day. I know everyone is different...but I'm beginning to notice vast differences in behavior when it comes to those who blog versus those who are not familiar with the concept yet. Here's what I find most fascinating...I can't quite grasp the fact that I'm putting myself out there with some of my inner-most thoughts for the world to see and some of the people who read them are still too shy to post a comment. I know that the people in my inner circle of friends and family are not the most up-to-date thinkers on this whole blog concept. But, I guess my expectations were higher about the fact that more people would be willing to put themselves out there a bit by adding something to the conversation. It would be one thing if nobody was reading the damn blog. My initial intention was for it to be an online journal with a hidden audience. I needed to put my thoughts out there, but I didn't necessarily want to know who was reading them. Now, it has become a means of communication. If I'm having a bad day, people check the blog to see if they can figure out what's wrong with me. If I haven't spoken to my friends in a while, they will check in to see what has been going on. Now that I have a niece, some people check to see how much she has grown since I last posted pictures of her. All this to say that the blog is being read, and quite regularly it seems. How do I know if people aren't posting comments? Well, that's simple...they are responding in other ways. That's what is so funny to me. I get emails all the time in response to something in the blog. I get phone calls. People send me stuff. But I don't get any damn comments! (No offense to the people who have left comments in the past!) You all know how much I value your feedback. I even tried to be subtle and throw a paragraph at the top of the blog about how much your opinions mean to me. I'm not looking for anything profound or extraordinary...just let me know you are out there, send some encouragement from time to time, and, by all means, let me know if it's time to add a new entry or an update. Now, here's a picture of my niece, you jerks...this is the face she made when I discussed this topic with her.